DEVIL MEETS DUDE

I saw the devil today

He walked right by and said "HEY!"

I said," Devil I see who you are now go away!"

He said, "Man don’t you know I’m here to the end of days?"

"What do you do here exactly?", I said

"Do you wait until bad people are dead

Then carry them to their punishment bed

Give them a taste of all the bad they did?"

"That’s part of what I do it’s true

And HA HA you should see the face of those dudes

When they see me when they’re through

Like they never really believed hell was true

They really act like some serious noobs

You should come with me and see what they do

You’d get a great laugh at them too!"

"No thanks", I said "I have things to get done

And I really think I have to run

In fact I think I’ll go visit a priest or a nun

Hey maybe even become one."

"Relax", the devil told me

"I am actually quite quite lonely

And you are really the only

Human I met that isn’t a boob

And I really want to spend time with you

Maybe we can be friends too."

"I don’t think that would be a good idea

I wouldn’t want anyone to hear

They might run from me forever with fear

If they knew I lent you an ear.

But hey while you are still here

I’m willing to crack a beer

Talk with you for a moment to hear

About your plans for this planet here."

"Damn!" the devil said

"It’s hard being someone everyone dreads

Except for all those jerks I punish when they’re dead

They make absolutely terrible friends."

"Whatever!" I said, "You shouldn’t have pissed God off

Tried to take control and been so rough

And by the way all that other stuff

You did to the people on this planet that’s tough

That isn’t exactly friendly stuff."

"HA!" the devil said "Don’t give me all the credit for bad

You humans can act on your own like real hags

And though I admit of course that it makes me glad

That’s mostly just them on their own being bad.

Once in a while I do tinker for fun

Give little pushes to make people undone

But those people were already living life under the sun

Doing bad shit to absolutely everyone"

"And by the way" the devil said

"Some of that bad shit is what God did

Get’s mad at you humans for various types of shit

Then brings down some serious wrath because of it.

I mean look at all that religious warring shit

Using God’s name to justify the killing bit

Think that doesn’t get him pissed

Man believe me He does and that’s the truth of it."

Suddenly the devil began jumping up and down

"C’mon!" he said "it’s close to the death of another clown

Think he might have drowned

Come with me to the edge of town

You can see what I mean and laugh a round

When I show up and pound him down

To hell’s fire and brimstone ground."

"No thanks" I said " I have things to get done

And like I said I really think I have to run

In fact I think I’ll go visit a priest or a nun

Hey maybe even become one."

"Don’t worry" the devil said

"You have nothing at all to dread

You’ve always been a pretty good kid

I have no plans whatsoever to be at your death bed

Of course unless you change your head

Between now and the time that you’re dead."

"Don’t worry" I told the devil

"As much as my life can be disheveled

I’m never suckered by any evil

Though I must admit it’s been considered

when fighting against an evil rival."

With that the devil bounced off to the right

Disappeared in the thick of the night

I always thought the devil would fly

Oh well that was still one crazy sight!

I’ll head to the left now instead of the right!

TERRIBLE TB DUDE WHAT A SERIOUS BOOB

TB guy flying in the air

Says he didn’t have to care

Wedding plans he had prepared

Put all those passengers in despair.

Hey dude what’s wrong with you?

You have TB it is true

No one wants to fly with you

What a stupid selfish boob.

Doctor’s said it was ok

Then why prepare a recorded tape

Thought you might need it some day

That just means you knew others might pay.

Oh now let me see

You then ignored the CDC

Didn’t stay in Italy

More put at risk what a serious creep.

Giving lawyers more of a bad name

You should be ashamed

Don’t you know there’s enough pain

In lawyers being in that game.

Oh but wait you’re a regular dude

Don’t have an attitude

Don’t feel you are rude

That just makes you a bigger boob.

Face it man you put those people in fear

They gotta think about it for 10 YEARS!

Worried they might have to shed tears

Put them in the road like headlights on deers.

Open your pocket book wide

Take your money out for all those guys

You exposed selfishly to your terrible plight

Do what your own profession says is right.

Yah not for you I know it’s true

You aren’t even near to true blue

You are one sick sadly stupid dude

Such a selfish me me me attitude.

Quarantine that creep

Never let him sleep

Until every pain he reaped

Haunts him way down deep.

JOSIE STACK SMOKES CRACK

Watch yourself watch your back
Stay away from Josey Stack
She always carries a pound of dynamite in her sack
And looks for people to blow up because she smokes a ton of crack.

She travels through the streets
Looking for people to meet
Who will give her something to eat
Then blows them up just because she thinks its neat.

Bodies fly everywhere
But Josie never cares
She just laughs and fixes her dirty hair
And walks away while body parts fly around her in the air.

When Josie Stack's day of bombings is done
She goes under the freeway to sleep with other bums
And waits each night for the police to come
But the police never come and Josie thinks its because they're dumb.

The bums Josie spends the night with under the freeway
See Josie coming and try to run away
Because they know she blows people up all day
And not even bums want to stay
With someone who blows up people everyday.

Eventually Josie blew so many people up on one day
People couldn't walk down the street because body parts were all over the place
And the clean up crew couldn't keep up the pace
Because the smell was so bad they had to use one hand to cover their face.

Josie realized that it wasn't as much fun as before
To blow up people and have their body parts all over the floor
So she stole a ton of dynamite from the store
And decided to do more.

Josie Stack climbed the highest flag pole next to city hall
And started screaming for the news reporters to call
When no one came Josie Stack began to ball
And decided the best thing to do was to end it all.

So she lit the ton of dynamite in her sack
Which represented her final attack
On everyone who didn't watch their back
After she started smoking crack.

Body parts flew everywhere for the last time ever
And Josie Stacks body parts were also severed
And that was the end of Josie Stack
Who went crazy after smoking a ton of crack.

Whiskey! Let the Games Begin!

Everybody let’s get together

But let’s not talk about the weather

Or comment on each other’s sweater

Not talk about days that felt better.

That would really be quite boring

Who really cares if it is storming

And I don’t really care what you’re wearing

Or whether your life is worth bearing.

Let’s add a lot of whiskey in

And let the entertainment really begin

Funnier watching feuding kin

Than watching them hold it all in.

Let it out everyone I say

You’ll tell them they need to pay

For being an asshole on some other day

Wouldn’t you rather get it out of the way

Then sit here and pretend it’s all ok?

Whiskey is the way.

So grab your whiskey drink

And let’s drink to the brink

That would be the best thing

To entertain everyone during this

get together thing

Anyone in?